Marriage Counseling

Well I'm in my first week of marriage counseling and things seem to be going ok but I just can seem to put my finger on why I want to marry this man.
Everything seems right but if I can't find a reason as to why we should get married then should I marry him or should I just rethink this?

Today on a walk we talked and I've grown and I'm still learning to be a less negative person, so when he asked me what was it that I liked about him and I could not think of anything. Since we have decided to get on this clean slate, if i go back to the past all of the positive would be overshadowed by all the negative.

So I told him things that were obvious, that he was smart, go a degree, is a nice person at time, can keep a job, and maybe a few others. But he told me that those things were all on the surface. So if that's the case it is not my fault that I can't find anything deeper than that.

The reason I say that it is not my fault, simply because I took the time to learn what he wanted me to know about him. This was his surface, and over the past 3 years if he wanted me to know anything deeper about him then he would have opened up. I mean correct me if I am wrong. But you can't know anything about a person if they don't share anything about themselves.

Well he knows something about me and he shared. It was nice to hear but at the same time I let those things be known as well as other things that were learned about me through experience. But I can't return that ball only because I truly don't know and I don't know how to say that without seeming to be unreceptive or rude.

Now this marriage counseling is supposed to help us understand that sacredness of marriage and what we are planning to get ourselves into. I mean yes this is a huge step but so is having kids. I've kinda figured that I've got those steps a little twisted but I'll be on the right path soon. I understand that this is serious business. And I know that this is serious because it is making me nervous to think of the permanency of it all.

Only reason I say permanent because I don't ever plan on getting married again after this time. If it doesn't work out this time then that's a hit and miss on my part. I mean We've known each other for 3 years and never dated but somehow we managed to have a child and are now on the verge of walking down the isle. Anyone can see why I'm nervous.

It's hard enough being cheated on and you're just with a boyfriend but what the hell am I going to do if it happens during this marriage. Yes I know I'm not supposed to be dwelling in the past but hurt like that goes deep and would require some serious repair, and I guess this marriage would be the bandaid. But I'd rather have neosporin than a bandaid any day. At least with the boyfriend there is no legality to is all. I mean what if they made being boyfriend and girlfriend legally binding relationships, we all wouldn't have any.

So hopefully we can work these things out and because there has never been any us time, it's already hard now let alone trying to do some us time without the kiddies.

Maybe on this road to marriage I will have found the answers to what I'm looking for and he as well. I just find it odd that out of 3 years you still don't know a person then again I could be lucky its only been just 3 years and not 15 or 20 years down the road.

The First of Many Talks

After being able to talk with Rev. Simmons for the first time. I think I may have gotten a lot out of the sit down conversation. First of all I have to admit that I have a true problems with communicating my feelings because too many times have I been stepped on and pushed to the side.

So it is very understandable that I no longer want to be involved with parties that have this affect on me as well as closing myself to the world.

For a very long time now I have felt that I should give things a try learn to love people in different ways but thus far that has gotten me no where. Don't get me wrong I will do anything for any friend that needs me or for any member of my family that needs my help in any way but I have yet to find that one person that I can be in-tune with and he in-tune with me.

But according to the reverend it seems that pride is getting in my way. Especially with me not wanting to believe that a person has truly changed for the better. Something is leading me to believe that I shouldn't believe this person and that anything he says is just a bunch of bull.

Yes my heart has hardened to a point that I am able to recognize when I became lost in this person that I wish I hadn't become but some choices that I've made and experiences have lead me to become this hardened being.

So after this talk I hope to be able to find me and possibly work on future relationships if any are to develop.

Starting Out

I haven't had much luck in my relationships. They usually leaving me wondering a few things: why I was in the relationship, why did I waste my time, what is wrong with me, or why do I get in relationships with these types of men.

So after doing some inner searching, I can't really figure out what was the issue with the relationship other than my lack or inability to effectively communicate. I mean yes communication is a key aspect but something had to occur in order for me to get into a relationship in the first place.

I've only been in a few relationships and as a matter of fact I haven't been in more than five total relationships in my life. I must not have much going on but that is fine by me.

The first guy I dated was in middle school. We both were in this relationship for security and validation. He was validated by me and I was by him. You know those relationships in which you have no other person to be with or wants to be with so you say you are in a relationship with your best friend. Well me and my friend wanted to be with the in crowd and in order to do that you had to be validated by a member of the opposite sex. Now after all these years he is now become an openly gay person. i guess peer pressure was a mug to try and conform to. This relationship ended because we were going in two different directions for life.

Now my relationship after this happened the year I started high school. I was talking to this guy that became interested in me after I didn't have a clue that he was trying to talk to me. He turned out to be the cousin of the guy I dated in high school. Yea, what a small city I lived in. But this relationship ended because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Hell I was only 14, yea I know given this day an age that would have been fine, but not for me. So I told him he could be with someone else to get all his needs fulfilled.

Now this other fellow I never dated but we just had a great connection. Oddly nothing ever happened between us although I wished it had. But nothing was wrong other than distance. We talked on the phone every night, if not long just to say goodnight and I love you, or have a blessed morning. I mean there was nothing bad other than we were just serious friends on the edge or crossing so many lines that never happened. He is now happily married and although I wished it was me that had married him, I see that life dealt us a different hand and therefore friends we will remain forever.

So at this point I think that the previous relationships were just learning steps to future ones.

Now the first guy I dated in college actually was from my hometown but we had never met until we went to college. I think that was interesting in itself. Well things started off ok but then something went wrong when he became insecure. If I wasn't affectionate everyday or had sex every week then he figured I didn't love him and he didn't want to be with anyone that didn't love him. I'm guessing that those actions proved love and that confused the shit out of me. Well the problem here were lack of communication, lack of trust, and a confusion on the meaning of love, his baggage of comparing me to previous girlfriends.

Now the next relationship happened as a rebound to try talking to men again. This guy had tried talking to me for over a year and I had never even given him a chance. So I gave him a chance. Things were ok before and ok after the relationship started. I was already uneasy and possibly carrying experience from the previous relationship. Yes this is why I can not and will not ever date another gemini. On a serious note, people of those signs well never work out for me it seems. I am 0 for 2. I'm not trying again. Well this guy after talking to him even more, things got hot and heavy fast. After about 3 months he tells me that I need to end relationships with all my male friends. Being me I don't simply because I don't give up anything unless it is hazardous to my mind, body, and soul. Even after this he even stops spending time with me, even calling me to say that he didn't feel like seeing me. That really hurt my feelings and he knew he was wrong for saying it. To make a long story short. three months later, I told him I cheated so he'd break up with me. He threated to pull my head off my shoulders so I had the police escort me home and watch my house. I haven't seen him since.

My baby's dad is a whole other story within itself and could probably take up a book, and as a matter of fact it has, in some journals that I plan on publishing later. This guy considered us friends with benefits. I was cool with that. So after a year or so of just fucking he decides that he wants a relationship with me because we have a good friendship. 10 months later my son comes along and he does not know our relationship status. And I even make things clearer even suggesting my son's birthday as a clean slate starting point. Well that doesn't work and now I am at my present state. There is no communication because I'm tired of listening to tired repetition of some excuses.

I am single and not looking but I maintain a level of interest in other men because there are some fine men out there. I don't sleep around and never had any plans too, but hell I'd love to find someone to hang out with and just chill with from time to time. I may seem fragile but I am not. And once I become solid spiritually then everything else will fall into play and hopefully I can find someone willing to take me with all my flaws.