Marriage Counseling

Well I'm in my first week of marriage counseling and things seem to be going ok but I just can seem to put my finger on why I want to marry this man.
Everything seems right but if I can't find a reason as to why we should get married then should I marry him or should I just rethink this?

Today on a walk we talked and I've grown and I'm still learning to be a less negative person, so when he asked me what was it that I liked about him and I could not think of anything. Since we have decided to get on this clean slate, if i go back to the past all of the positive would be overshadowed by all the negative.

So I told him things that were obvious, that he was smart, go a degree, is a nice person at time, can keep a job, and maybe a few others. But he told me that those things were all on the surface. So if that's the case it is not my fault that I can't find anything deeper than that.

The reason I say that it is not my fault, simply because I took the time to learn what he wanted me to know about him. This was his surface, and over the past 3 years if he wanted me to know anything deeper about him then he would have opened up. I mean correct me if I am wrong. But you can't know anything about a person if they don't share anything about themselves.

Well he knows something about me and he shared. It was nice to hear but at the same time I let those things be known as well as other things that were learned about me through experience. But I can't return that ball only because I truly don't know and I don't know how to say that without seeming to be unreceptive or rude.

Now this marriage counseling is supposed to help us understand that sacredness of marriage and what we are planning to get ourselves into. I mean yes this is a huge step but so is having kids. I've kinda figured that I've got those steps a little twisted but I'll be on the right path soon. I understand that this is serious business. And I know that this is serious because it is making me nervous to think of the permanency of it all.

Only reason I say permanent because I don't ever plan on getting married again after this time. If it doesn't work out this time then that's a hit and miss on my part. I mean We've known each other for 3 years and never dated but somehow we managed to have a child and are now on the verge of walking down the isle. Anyone can see why I'm nervous.

It's hard enough being cheated on and you're just with a boyfriend but what the hell am I going to do if it happens during this marriage. Yes I know I'm not supposed to be dwelling in the past but hurt like that goes deep and would require some serious repair, and I guess this marriage would be the bandaid. But I'd rather have neosporin than a bandaid any day. At least with the boyfriend there is no legality to is all. I mean what if they made being boyfriend and girlfriend legally binding relationships, we all wouldn't have any.

So hopefully we can work these things out and because there has never been any us time, it's already hard now let alone trying to do some us time without the kiddies.

Maybe on this road to marriage I will have found the answers to what I'm looking for and he as well. I just find it odd that out of 3 years you still don't know a person then again I could be lucky its only been just 3 years and not 15 or 20 years down the road.