I want love

I think the title might be self explanatory but there story behind everything.
I shouldn't need love or be looking for love while in a marriage. It should already be there. In my case I'm not even sure if it was there, and if it has been in this marriage, I currently don't know where it is ans should probably put a lost and found ad up on craigslist.

For starters I wouldn't even know what love looks like personally. It has been a very strange concept for me. If love is based on emotions I lack the ability to appropriately express it through them. If love is based on physicality then, I have certainly missed those developmental cues due to a screwed up adolescence and young adulthood.

I want to make a side note. I have yet to learn everything about myself because I have only learned how to deal with self through relativity of people, places, and things. So it would be an understatement for me to say I need some me time. Some self love.

So I walk around my house, I live with three other human, and have an unbalanced relationship with my other half. To make matters worse, the longer this happens, the less sexually attracted to him it seems I'm becoming. This is not good. It's starting to feel more like roomates than spouses...that will be the worst thing ever. But nothing is changing. So why fight against the inevitable....well I thought there was more to life than just this... More to loving and being in love with someone other than just this. That a touch is supposed to create instant pleasure but its just....this.

well if this is how I'm going to be feeling for the next 50 years then I need a new toy....looking for replacements is out of the question but suffering in this still, emptiness is about to be borderline insane.

I need to be loved, I need to be touched and handled in such a way that love is my new high.