Weather It

So today a freak storm just comes out of nowhere. There was a little drizzle this morning but by mid-afternoon, the flood gates were open. So much for me trying to get a mile and a half run in today. It's been so cold that I haven't run outside in over a week and a half and I really need to get back out there soon. So I figured I'd mention something my husband has been bashing me about, SEX. He says he doesn't get it enough and other people assume that we are supposed to be doing it like rabbits. Not the case here. Not really sure where I fell off the "everybody's doing it to keep their man" sex wagon. The thing here is, I haven't been interested and it seems that everything that my husband does is a turn off. Someone else told me that I needed to relax...get things off my mind and things would be easier, but they are not and haven't been for some time now. I get tired of feeling useless because not only am I not a financially contributing member of the house but I also don't put out(yes I said put out) when my husband says so. So I basically feel like a waste of space here on this earth because I can't do anything right, specifically according to my husband. QUE SERA!!!

I want love

I think the title might be self explanatory but there story behind everything.
I shouldn't need love or be looking for love while in a marriage. It should already be there. In my case I'm not even sure if it was there, and if it has been in this marriage, I currently don't know where it is ans should probably put a lost and found ad up on craigslist.

For starters I wouldn't even know what love looks like personally. It has been a very strange concept for me. If love is based on emotions I lack the ability to appropriately express it through them. If love is based on physicality then, I have certainly missed those developmental cues due to a screwed up adolescence and young adulthood.

I want to make a side note. I have yet to learn everything about myself because I have only learned how to deal with self through relativity of people, places, and things. So it would be an understatement for me to say I need some me time. Some self love.

So I walk around my house, I live with three other human, and have an unbalanced relationship with my other half. To make matters worse, the longer this happens, the less sexually attracted to him it seems I'm becoming. This is not good. It's starting to feel more like roomates than spouses...that will be the worst thing ever. But nothing is changing. So why fight against the inevitable....well I thought there was more to life than just this... More to loving and being in love with someone other than just this. That a touch is supposed to create instant pleasure but its just....this.

well if this is how I'm going to be feeling for the next 50 years then I need a new toy....looking for replacements is out of the question but suffering in this still, emptiness is about to be borderline insane.

I need to be loved, I need to be touched and handled in such a way that love is my new high.

In a repetitive slump

I'm not sure how many people feel this way. But I want to say that I feel like my relationship continues to hit repetitive slumps. This means that everytime you hit a rough patch that it seems to be the same things happening over and over again. I'm not sure how one would go about getting out of this repetition but I'm am very open to some suggestions seeing as my other half an I haven't really been seeing eye to eye on anything. I don't like having to repeat myself so I really hate having to be a part of repetitive bad habits. It's almost like an episode of the twilight zone around here. I really don't know what else I can do personally. Seems like everything I say or do is looked over like it doesn't matter or can't sway the opinion of the financial majority. Sigh....

Friendship

I never fully understood friendship. This was made very apparent to me by the events of the past weekend. One of my good friends got married. I am happy for her and her new husband and I wish them nothing but the best.

I have never understood how people place value on a friendship. In my experience either your are a good friend or you are not. Either you are friends with me or your are not. I have never fully grasped the process of making new friends it seems because I really have a select group of friends. In my opinion my friends are friends with me because they have found something about me that they like. As far as I'm concerned a good friend is a good friend and there is nothing more or less. The qualities of a good friend are to great to name but it seems that the value of a friendship varies from person to person.

This particular friend of mine, we went to middle school, high school and graduated from college together, she was even the maid of honor at my wedding (a description of a great friend!) I was a maid and not a bridesmaid at her wedding. It was my job to hand out programs and make sure that people signed the guest book. I did it with a smile, it was not about me is what I had to tell myself. PUT ON A HAPPY FACE is what I did.

What became weird was having to tell people who I was when they asked. I said that I went to middle school with the bride and we graduated from college together. I overheard her mom explaining to her family who I was. Weird right? I knew the the main reason people were asking was because I was black at this all white wedding. Must have been hard trying to explain who I was and why I was handing out programs. So this one thing put me out of place. AWKWARD!

I think what stings the most is that the bride, told me that the reason she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid was because she didn't think that I could afford it. REALLY!?!? Bridesmaids have to pay for things for the bride and I didn't make the cut. Who says things like this to people? The thing about this was I did not think that it was a requirement of a friend to have MONEY!

I understand that you are the company that you keep, but I don't think I ever gave the impression that I ever needed money for anything. Or that it was a requirement for me to be someones friend. All I can say right now is that you learn something new everyday!

I feel shafted and belittled because a friend that know this long doesn't value the friendship that we have in the same way that I do. I felt out of place at the wedding and now that I look back on it, I would have rather just been invited as a guest. Had not my niece (biracial) been her flower girl, I even wonder if I would have been invited at all.

Again it was not my day, it was not even about me...but now that that day is over, I can tell you how I feel.
I feel that being the token black/beown makes events like these hard when the people aren't expecting you. To know your child is friends with a black/brown person probably scares a lot of people. Why? I don't understand other than they are afraid they will be some NIGGER LOVERS or something.

But the money thing brought about so many different things of classism and social norms that are and are not accepted by certain groups of people. I think that in this case, the color of my skin didn't allow her to fully incorporate me into her day. I would have be a sore spot to the picturesque bridal portrait or they would have had a hard time trying to find brown groomsman to even out the color line. I really think the money issue was a cop out for bigger picture of her perfect world.

I don't think that I will fully understand not being able to afford to be someones friend. But I do understand that people place different values on friendships. After this weekend it seems like a master-houseslave relationship in this particular instance. I am a bit hurt and taken aback because of the words she said to me and the entire wedding day, I was in the way...and I felt that I shouldn't have been there.

Life Goes On. You LIVE and LEARN!

A drink going down the wrong pipe part 1

I want to start with the beginning of the marriage. I don't remember most of if right now but I can remember some key points that I will talk about later. I want to start with the days after the wedding.

Well things were weird only because we really didn't have a place to live. Aaron was always in a rush to find a place to live that was not in his parents house. He was very persistent so much so that he wanted to move me and 2 kids into the worst ever neighborhood with the nastiest houses ever. One house he didn't even show me because he said the smell was so bad that it was unbearable. The other house was in the same neighborhood, as the one mentioned before, and that wasn't a good selling point.
Upon walking in the house there was a smell of something rotten. And as the person shows us the house, we find that there is someone living in the house. To cover this up, the person states that the person living here is only living here because they are doing the repairs on the house. So a 3 bedroom one bathroom house, in which the bathroom was in the back of the house behind the kitchen was a very real problem for me.

The 3rd house was in a middle neighborhood, meaning that is was in the middle of a good and a bad neighborhood. How that happens is a mystery to me, but it happens. So this house was a 4 bedroom, 2 and a half bath house. It was great, owned by white people, no offense intended. I like the house but it brought many problems to the marriage. The house failed on us. It caused more problems that we could handle. The bills started to skyrocket because of the failing foundation of the house. The house was caving in and the landlord didn't have enough money to fix it although she tried to fix the worst parts.

Things seemed to be getting worse and so we had to abandon ship and lost a lot of money and minds doing so.

Part 2 will be about roomates

Rumble in the Jungle

SO it is at this point in my relationship, as with many other points, that I desire a need to get the craziness out my mind. This process allows me to function daily and without it I feel that my mind and my being will be swallowed by the chaos.

My 2 year marriage hasn't been dedicated to happiness at all. And you might ask why. Answering this question alone would probably take me ten years to sort out every detail but I will talk about one.
From my point of view, although slanted at times, will try to stay as neutral as possible. I can't guarantee that this will stay this way, but only that I will start this way.
My husband and I got married in 2009, amid some discussion that this was the right thing to do in order for each of us to make some sort of positive progression towards some fantasy of a life.
Granted that we had shacked up for 2 years prior to that and despite some red flags we got married.

The first year of marriage summed up as the following: A drink going down the wrong pipe.

The second year of marriage can be summed up as the following: All the drowning possibilities there are!

And as we go into the third year... all can say is that we might not even get that far....God Help US!

Marriage Counseling

Well I'm in my first week of marriage counseling and things seem to be going ok but I just can seem to put my finger on why I want to marry this man.
Everything seems right but if I can't find a reason as to why we should get married then should I marry him or should I just rethink this?

Today on a walk we talked and I've grown and I'm still learning to be a less negative person, so when he asked me what was it that I liked about him and I could not think of anything. Since we have decided to get on this clean slate, if i go back to the past all of the positive would be overshadowed by all the negative.

So I told him things that were obvious, that he was smart, go a degree, is a nice person at time, can keep a job, and maybe a few others. But he told me that those things were all on the surface. So if that's the case it is not my fault that I can't find anything deeper than that.

The reason I say that it is not my fault, simply because I took the time to learn what he wanted me to know about him. This was his surface, and over the past 3 years if he wanted me to know anything deeper about him then he would have opened up. I mean correct me if I am wrong. But you can't know anything about a person if they don't share anything about themselves.

Well he knows something about me and he shared. It was nice to hear but at the same time I let those things be known as well as other things that were learned about me through experience. But I can't return that ball only because I truly don't know and I don't know how to say that without seeming to be unreceptive or rude.

Now this marriage counseling is supposed to help us understand that sacredness of marriage and what we are planning to get ourselves into. I mean yes this is a huge step but so is having kids. I've kinda figured that I've got those steps a little twisted but I'll be on the right path soon. I understand that this is serious business. And I know that this is serious because it is making me nervous to think of the permanency of it all.

Only reason I say permanent because I don't ever plan on getting married again after this time. If it doesn't work out this time then that's a hit and miss on my part. I mean We've known each other for 3 years and never dated but somehow we managed to have a child and are now on the verge of walking down the isle. Anyone can see why I'm nervous.

It's hard enough being cheated on and you're just with a boyfriend but what the hell am I going to do if it happens during this marriage. Yes I know I'm not supposed to be dwelling in the past but hurt like that goes deep and would require some serious repair, and I guess this marriage would be the bandaid. But I'd rather have neosporin than a bandaid any day. At least with the boyfriend there is no legality to is all. I mean what if they made being boyfriend and girlfriend legally binding relationships, we all wouldn't have any.

So hopefully we can work these things out and because there has never been any us time, it's already hard now let alone trying to do some us time without the kiddies.

Maybe on this road to marriage I will have found the answers to what I'm looking for and he as well. I just find it odd that out of 3 years you still don't know a person then again I could be lucky its only been just 3 years and not 15 or 20 years down the road.